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Laugh Attacks: 03.14.15

JIMMY FALLON
JIMMY FALLON AP

DAVID LETTERMAN

“The new Apple Watch is out. I’m on the waiting list to get the new Apple hearing aid.”


“Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it it will tell you how much you weigh.”


“Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she’s at hillary@pantsuit.com.”


“Finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“There’s a new study that says giving your child too much praise can harm them later. They become more narcissistic. Narcissism is a condition of excessive self-interest that affects approximately one out of every one Kardashian.”

“If you’re too hard on your kids, they grow up with no self-confidence, but if you praise them too much, they grow up to be narcissists. What do these little monsters want from us?”


“Boston Medical Center found that 15 percent of 2-year-olds in the Boston area drink as much as 4 ounces of coffee a day. The parents claim they give the kids coffee only when they need it, like when the kid wakes up with a hangover.”


JIMMY FALLON

“The Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an hour, or as most people call that, ‘Thanksgiving Dinner.’”


“There are reports that Russia is actually working with North Korea to encourage “collaboration and cooperation” between the two countries. Yeah, they believe that with Russia’s economic power and North Korea’s technology, they can be a real threat to 1987.”


“President Obama said he wants the United States to establish an embassy in Cuba by April. When asked if Cuba would establish an embassy here, Obama said, ‘What do you call Miami?’”


“MAC Cosmetics is launching a line of makeup that’s inspired by the new live-action ‘Cinderella’ movie. Because what girl doesn’t want makeup inspired by a story where the woman turns into an ugly loser at midnight?”

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