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Mike Pence makes it easy for John, Wes Long

Vice President Mike Pence speaks at the Women’s Empowerment Panel at the White House last month.
Vice President Mike Pence speaks at the Women’s Empowerment Panel at the White House last month. AP

John Long, I imagine, salivates when he reads a story like the one this week about Vice President Mike Pence and women – at least during Observer limerick contest season.

Pence says he follows the “Billy Graham rule”: He won’t be alone with a woman who is not his wife. That kind of story is like a ball sitting on a tee to a savvy limerick writer like Long, and was enough to make him the winner in this, the final week of the Observer’s limericks contest.

First, Long notes that Pence works for Donald Trump, who doesn’t have a sterling record on such matters.

Mike feared if his lust was suspected,

By voters he might be rejected,

His boss said “My boy,

Grab a handful, enjoy!

I did and I STILL got elected.”

For Long’s next one, it helps to know that saltpeter, also known as potassium nitrate, is said to repress one’s libido.

Pence told Sarah Palin he’d meet her,

Though he feared it might make him a cheater,

When at last they did dine,

Mike ordered the wine,

Cabernet with a dash of saltpeter.

Long’s son Wes independently latched on to the Pence story. His entries this week, combined with a win in Week 3, makes him the overall contest winner, earning him a restaurant gift card from the Observer.

Mike Pence said, “I’m merely a man,

I’m doing the best that I can.

Temptation’s so cruel,

I made up this rule

The day that I met Kellyanne.”

Wes Long also jokes that Gonzaga and its coach might have thrown the national championship game against North Carolina on Monday. If so, he knows why:

Ol’ Roy told the press, “Mark Few wrote us,

‘The Zags threw the game, did you notice?

Told my team, no more steals

Or we’ll beat these Tar Heels,

And then WE’LL have to meet with the POTUS.’”

N.C. Legislators repealed HB2 last week, but in doing so left it unclear which bathroom transgender people should use. Ted Hayes of Mint Hill says he sure doesn’t know.

A “compromise” on transgender,

it’s a no-brainer and a no-ender.

And if a trans-man,

Asks me, “Where’s the can?”

I’ll stutter and stew where to send her.

Lauren Sawyers of Charlotte is not sure Republicans yet have a strong replacement for the Affordable Care Act.

For years GOP has thrown shade

At Obamacare and Medicaid.

But if they get their way,

We may all rue the day

We didn’t buy stock in Band-Aid!

Cathie Solomonson of Troutman saw that Ivanka Trump will become yet another family member working in the Trump administration.

Ivanka has taken the oath

As part of the West Wing staff growth.

“A forced choice would be bad,

Between Jared and Dad.

Now, I have this cool office near both.”

Former Obama national security adviser Susan Rice is in hot water this week. She is accused of unmasking Trump associates and having them identified in intelligence reports. Trump says she committed a crime and some lawmakers want Congress to investigate.

Steve Kardisco of Hickory knows her name is Susan, not Suzanne, but took poetic license in the name of rhyme.

If we pull back the curtain we can

See how all this “unmasking” began.

Quietly as a mouse

From inside the White House

It was Mrs. Rice’s daughter, Suzanne.

That’s a wrap on the 22nd installment of the Observer’s Politics & Public Policy Limericks Contest, created by former Editorial Page Editor Ed Williams. Thanks to our readers for again bringing a bit of humor to an otherwise serious page.

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