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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Meyers
Meyers AP

SETH MEYERS

“Virginia police are investigating vandalism at Trump National Golf Club over the weekend. They found graffiti that said, ‘Help, I don’t want to be president anymore.’ 

“As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York, or move into the White House. Said Melania, ‘And who do I make the check out to?’ 

“The White House has announced that President Trump will donate his first quarter’s salary of over $78,000 to the National Park Service. Said Trump, ‘There’s nothing more important than the people who park our cars.’ 

“Former White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest recently said that former President Obama is genuinely concerned about how things are going in the country. In fact, today there was just a hint of sadness in his eye, as he swam up to the bar to order another Mai Tai.”

STEPHEN COLBERT

“It’s been a busy few weeks for the president. Every day he gets to work, rolls up his sleeves, and gives a new job to Jared Kushner.”

“So far, Kushner is in charge of brokering Mideast peace, negotiating the wall with Mexico, tackling America’s opioid epidemic, fixing the Department of Veterans Affairs, handling China, and dyeing the eggs for the White House Easter egg hunt.”

“This weekend, Jared Kushner’s to-do list got even longer when he made a surprise visit to Iraq. He wanted to go somewhere with less sectarian violence than the White House.”

“Here we go, America! Trump won’t throw out the first pitch. What else? He won’t go to the Correspondents’ Dinner. He won’t release his tax returns. He won’t put his business in a blind trust. He doesn’t want to live in D.C. What presidential tradition will Trump abandon next? This Thanksgiving, those turkeys better run.”

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