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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

O’Brien
O’Brien Getty Images

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox’s strict 11-women limit.”

“(Also at the Easter Egg roll) there was an appearance by that very special visitor — someone who only shows up to the White House once a year: Melania Trump.”

“Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle.”

“Several days ago, President Trump said an American aircraft carrier was heading towards North Korea, but it turns out it was sailing in the opposite direction. It’s the aircraft carrier the U.S.S. Metaphor.”

“In New York, a Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in his carry-on bag. The pilot was fired from Southwest and immediately hired by United, so we’re all set now.”

“A new report just came out that says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. Yeah, however, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called ‘not payin’ for stuff.’”

JIMMY FALLON

“President Trump gave a speech in Wisconsin. He actually spoke in front of a giant flag made out of wrenches. When he heard he’d be speaking in front of a bunch of tools, he said, ‘My cabinet’s going to be there?’ 

“Bill O’Reilly met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Yeah. When he saw O’Reilly going to confession, the next guy in line said, ‘You know what, I’ll come back tomorrow.’ 

“Trump got some good (tax) news this year. He got to write off the first 100 days of his presidency as a total loss.”

“The White House Easter Egg had a miniature podium where kids could pretend to be Trump’s press secretary. The winner got some candy, while the loser got the job.”

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