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Laugh Attacks: 03.21.15

CONAN O’BRIEN
CONAN O’BRIEN Getty Images

DAVID LETTERMAN

“Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It’s the same thing that is happening to Hillary.”


“Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It’s full of Hillary Clinton emails”


“President Obama’s trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn’t work, by God, they’re going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.”


“Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.”


JIMMY FALLON

“During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, ‘The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.’ Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, ‘No it’s not.’”


“President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Russia’s Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of ‘The Bachelor.’”


“Some people are still angry about the letter written by Republicans to Iran. It’s also not helping that they said, ‘Dear Iran or Iraq, we can never keep you two straight.’”


SETH MEYERS

“After a mysterious absence, Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time in nearly two weeks. You know what that means, a boob job. And we’ll find out quick because that guy doesn’t wear a shirt a lot.”


“March Madness is upon us. That’s the big tournament where you start out with 64 teams and in only three weeks you’re down to no girlfriend.”


“Pope Francis said that one of the things he misses most about ordinary life is the ability to go out and eat pizza without being recognized. I wouldn’t worry. Nobody’s going to believe the guy at the pizza place when he says, ‘Hey, you know who came in today? The Pope.’”

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