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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Colbert
Colbert Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP

Sean, I have so many questions. If you go, who will not answer them?

Stephen Colbert

STEPHEN COLBERT

“This could be the disaster that finally convinces skeptics that climate change is real: a layover in Phoenix.”

“Temperatures were expected to reach 127 degrees in Death Valley. But, it’s a dry death.”

“The Washington Post reported that the president was under investigation for obstruction of justice — but, of course, that is just speculation from a hostile newspaper using anonymous sources, so Donald Trump did the smart thing and made no comment. I’m just kidding.”

JIMMY FALLON

“Spicer is leading the search for his own replacement. President Trump would help, but he’s busy searching for his own replacement.”

“The Washington Post reports that President Trump is being investigated for obstruction of justice, which could wind up costing him the presidency. Trump was like, ‘OK, now give me the bad news.’ 

“A new report just came out that says President Trump made $598 million in income last year. It sounds like a lot, but after taxes ... it was still $598 million.”

“The Russia probe is getting bigger. Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, ‘Talk to my lawyer.’ 

CONAN O’BRIEN

“This week, the U.S. experienced a series of internet outages. Things got so bad we momentarily surpassed China in productivity.”

“There’s a rumor that the White House is going to find a new place for Press Secretary Sean Spicer. All they told Spicer was ‘It’s on a big farm upstate where you can run and play with all the other press secretaries.’ 

“Experts say that if President Trump were to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, ‘Thursday.’ 

“The Supreme Court ruled that a company has the right to have an offensive name. In other words, Trump Tower is going to stay Trump Tower.”

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