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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Meyers
Meyers AP

SETH MEYERS

“A company in New York City has opened what some are calling a nonalcoholic cocktail bar that creates drinks using lemons and herbal ingredients instead of alcohol. And this is cool — they’re using empty chairs instead of customers.”

“President Trump met several Native American tribal leaders. They had a lot of questions for the president, such as, ‘How did you manage to lose money running a casino?’ 

“According to new research, a press-on patch for the flu vaccine works just as well as the flu shot. You just remove the adhesive backing and place it firmly over your co-worker's mouth.”

“Spirit Airlines recently gave a family 21 years of free travel after a mother went into labor and gave birth mid-flight. Though they probably should have given those free flights to the guy sitting next to her.”

JIMMY FALLON

“Republican senators took coach buses to the White House to meet with Trump about healthcare. You could tell which senators actually read the bill, 'cuz they were the ones buckling their seatbelts.”

“A man in Minnesota got arrested, and handed the officer a Monopoly Get out of jail free’ card. Then when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, ‘You won a beauty contest.’ 

“A woman in South Carolina just gave birth to a 14.4-pound baby boy. The doctor was like, ‘Congratulations! It's a man!’ 

“Trump accused Mika Brzezinski of getting plastic surgery, which is odd, because that’s the only thing covered by his healthcare plan.”

“Airbnb plans to launch a luxury service for mansions. They say it’s perfect for people who want to have everything stolen from their mansion.”

“It’s the 10th anniversary of the first iPhone. It’s also the 10th anniversary of someone asking their bartender, ‘Um, can you charge this for me?’ 

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