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Laugh Attacks: 03.28.15

CONAN O’BRIEN
CONAN O’BRIEN Getty Images

JIMMY FALLON

“Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he’s running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, ‘I’m gonna run anyway.’”


“So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.”


“According to a new poll, exactly 50 percent of Americans view President Obama’s presidency as a success. While the other half of Americans are actually candidates for the Republican presidential nomination.”


“Obama discussed the successful economy and said ‘I’m going to take a little credit.’ Then the economy got bad again and he said, ‘Republicans did it.’”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“During an interview with Playboy — that’s right, Playboy — Dick Cheney said President Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime.”


“Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.”


“Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, ‘It’s important for me to reach out to the people I’m trying to deport.’”


“Burger King announced its chicken fries will be served year round now. Previously, the chicken fries have only been sold during heart attack season but now you can get them whenever you want.”


“A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces.”


“A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.”


SETH MEYERS

“Blackberry and Samsung are working together on a new project to build a high-security tablet. The way it works is this: It says “Blackberry” on the back and nobody wants to steal it.”


“Mitt Romney said this week that his biggest campaign mistake in 2012 was not communicating well with minorities. The only minority he did well with was Romney voters.”

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