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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

AP

JIMMY FALLON

“President Trump announced a new plan to fund the government for the next three months. That’s right, Trump’s going to pay his taxes.”

“Meanwhile, Disney CEO Bob Iger spoke out against Trump’s decision to end the DACA immigration program, calling it ‘cruel and misguided.’ And so to get back at Disney, Trump deported all those singing dolls from ‘It’s a Small World.’ 

“Former press secretary Sean Spicer will give his first paid speech this month here in New York City. They're saying you should get tickets now, cuz there's only all of them left.”

“Starbucks has started selling a new sushi burrito. When asked how much it costs, Starbucks said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll pay for it later.’ 

TREVOR NOAH

“Maybe ISIS should start taking credit for hurricanes. Every time a hurricane hits, ISIS should be like, ‘That was us. We sent that storm to destroy America.’ And then Republicans will be like, ‘That’s ridiculous. You guys can’t cause hurricanes!’ And they’ll be like, ‘Well, then who causes the hurricanes?’ Then they’ll be like, ‘They’re caused by climate change!’ Oh, man, nicely played.”

JIMMY KIMMEL

“Pumpkin spice latte season is happening now, which is great news. My doctor's been saying I haven't been getting enough syrup in my diet.”

“This morning our president woke up and asked his staff, ‘Now that this hurricane is over, what's something horrible I can do to distract people from the Russia investigation?’ Someone said, ‘You know, there are 800,000 innocent kids you could deport for no good reason.’" And he said, ‘Done and done.’ 

“President Trump has decided to do away with (DACA) . . . Mostly because President Obama's the one who ordered it. It seems like his main agenda is just to undo everything Obama did. I hope he doesn't bring bin Laden back to life.”

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