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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

AP

SETH MEYERS

“Senator Ted Cruz’s Twitter account last night liked a pornographic video about a woman who finds a couple having sex on her couch. ‘Ew, gross,’ said the porn stars after hearing that Ted Cruz watched them.”

“Apple today unveiled the special-edition iPhone 10, which will have two hours more battery life, an edge-to-edge screen with super-retina display, and it will double check with you when you accidentally ‘like’ a porn tweet.”

“Trump is siding with Democrats and undercutting his own party. He’s like a hurricane, except he doesn’t follow any path.”

“Horror movie ‘It’ broke September box office records, earning over $123 million in North America. Because if we’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that terrifying clowns get great ratings.”

TREVOR NOAH

“Everyone watches porn, all right? It’s part of being a normal human being. Which is exactly why we know Ted Cruz didn’t do it. He’s pretending to like porn as a way to blend in with the rest of the human species. Nice try, Ted.”

“In exchange for (Equifax) telling you that they’ve messed you over, you have to agree to not sue them. It’s basically the corporation version of, ‘O.K., I’m gonna tell you something, but you promise you won’t get mad. You’ve gotta promise you won’t get mad!’ 

JIMMY FALLON

“Hillary Clinton’s book ‘What Happened’ came out today, and I heard that it’s almost 500 pages long. Unfortunately, the only person with enough time to read it is Hillary Clinton.”

“A woman is suing Delta Air Lines because she broke a tooth on an in-flight meal. Delta apologized and said that under no circumstances should any of its passengers get an in-flight meal.”

“I saw that the Patriots will play a game in Mexico this November. And once they’re down there, the rest of the league will say, ‘O.K., build the wall! We have a chance!’ 

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