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Laugh Attacks: 04.04.15

SETH MEYERS

“A new study shows that eating chocolate may have positive effects on the brain similar to exercising. Said Americans with mouths full, ‘Yay! I’m exercising.’”


“Ted Cruz is signing up for Obamacare. This is like finding out Jenny McCarthy went in for a flu shot.”


“Zayn Malik has officially left One Direction. I saw this coming as soon as he started dating Yoko Ono.”

“In some good-luck news, a man coming out of surgery has won $7 million on a lottery ticket that was tucked in his get-well card. And after paying his hospital bills, he still has $900 left.”


JIMMY FALLON

“The president will meet with Pope Francis at the White House in September. The two will meet for about an hour or so, and then the Pope will spend the rest of the day hearing confessions from Secret Service agents.”

“There are reports that President Obama and his family may move to New York City after his term is over. Unfortunately, the city is so expensive, he’s looking for another ex-president to be roommates with.”


“Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they’ve gotten so used to people trying to break into their house.”


“Presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it. It’s a good thing he’s signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.”


“Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he’s running for president, he’s raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, ‘Happy to help. Can’t wait.’”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“The ex-governor of Maryland, Martin O’Malley, said the presidency of the United States is not some crown to be passed between two families. Jeb Bush said that’s true. It should really just belong to one family.”


“McDonald’s is introducing a Big Mac clothing line. Of course there already is a clothing line for Big Mac lovers. It’s called a hospital gown.”


“After years of bashing Obamacare, tea party candidate Ted Cruz just signed up for it. And next week he plans to get gay married at Planned Parenthood.”

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