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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

JIMMY FALLON

“There’s a big story right now, it’s this Vanity Fair article about the White House. They say Trump’s becoming unhinged. They said that recently he walked around the White House and he shouted, ‘I hate everyone in the White House.’ But later he clarified his remarks, saying, ‘Except for me. I still like me a lot.’ 

“The article also said that Trump and Chief of Staff John Kelly have gotten into a lot of shouting matches. It said that one time Trump got so angry, he punched the tiniest hole in the wall.”

“Amazon just announced that teens can now shop on their parents’ accounts, but the order will only go through if Mom and Dad approve it. Or if they click the button that says, ‘Mom and Dad approve it.’ 

SAMANTHA BEE

“When the scandal broke, Harvey Weinstein made an apology-like statement in The New York Post, saying, ‘I have got to change, I’ve got to grow.’ ‘I know a lot of people would like me to go into a facility.’ Oh my God, I’m so behind in the slang. Is a facility what people call hell?”

“Oh, give me a break, White Cosby. Nobody asked for your ‘all about mea culpa.’ Don’t blame the ’60s and ’70s for your [expletive] decision making. It’s serial sexual harassment, not a Monkees tattoo.”

SETH MEYERS

““Following the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, President Trump tweeted this morning that the White House cannot keep FEMA, the military and first responders in Puerto Rico ‘forever.’ Forever? It’s been three weeks! That’s like saying you worked with Scaramucci forever.”

“Look, we can afford to keep troops in Puerto Rico until long after you’ve left the White House — maybe even until Christmas.”

STEPHEN COLBERT

“(President Trump) reportedly told his longtime personal security chief, ‘I hate everyone in the White House!’ Mr. President, I know exactly how you feel.”

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