News item: President Donald Trump on Tuesday challenged his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson to an IQ test showdown.
To: Secretary Tillerson
Subject: Your IQ test
So this is happening, Rex.
One of my unlimited executive powers allows me to make up IQ tests. And I’ve consulted with some of the smartest people I know – Dog the Bounty Hunter, Omaroso, and Steve Doocy of “Fox & Friends” – to come up with a much more accurate test than those loser, “fake intelligence” IQ tests that come out of our liberal universities.
Well, not for long. Buh-lieve me. We’re putting an end to higher education. That I can tell you.
Anyway, you’ve got 10 minutes to finish the test, Rex. Scoring is at the bottom.
Please select the best answer among the following choices:
1. North Korea launches a Hwasong-14 intercontinental ballistic missile toward Guam. Expected impact is 18 minutes. As president, the first question you ask is …
(a) Is Guam part of Puerto Rico?
(b) Can this wait until I finish playing the hole?
(c) Is Mike Pence kneeling to protest the flag?
(d) Wouldn’t this be the perfect time to fire Russia investigator Bob Mueller?
2. White supremacists hold a rally, some raising stiff arms in “Heil Trump” salutes. Your best response is to …
(a) praise them for sticking up for America’s proud heritage.
(b) recklessly assert they’re being funded by George Soros.
(c) call Meryl Streep a mediocre actress.
(d) urge a boycott of the National Basketball Association for reverse discrimination.
3. If Congress fails to allocate money to fulfill your campaign promise to build a great wall on the Southern border, you should …
(a) deny you ever promised a wall.
(b) say the wall is there, but you can’t see it because “it’s cyber.”
(c) say the wall was an unrealistic campaign promise that would break the budget.
(d) get up at 4 a.m. and bury “Little Turtle Mitch” McConnell in a tweet storm.
4. Your tax plan overwhelmingly benefits the rich like you and the corporations like yours, but you’re selling it as a middle-class tax cut. The way to do this is to …
(a) brainstorm with the average Americans who play golf with you on weekends.
(b) say you'll prove you’re not benefiting by releasing your own taxes … as soon as the very routine audit, and we mean very, completely, routine audit, which has taken years, and could still take many more, is done.
(c) say you’re open to eliminating the adult day-care deduction for presidents.
(d) change the subject to a football boycott.
5. A white man without a criminal record legally possesses an arsenal of assault weapons and uses them to massacre dozens of people in Las Vegas at a public event. You should …
(a) find out if he’s really a secret Muslim.
(b) issue a Las Vegas travel ban.
(c) talk about the crime rate in Chicago.
(d) bring the focus back to black NFL players kneeling during the anthem.
The correct answer is (d) for each question.
0-2 correct: Rick Perry territory.
3-4 correct: How does it feel to do as well as Jeff Sessions?
5 correct: I would regretfully accept your resignation letter.
6 correct: I will tell Lester Holt I fired you.
Frank Cerabino writes for The Palm Beach Post. email@example.com.