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Laugh Attacks: 04.11.15

CONAN O’BRIEN
CONAN O’BRIEN Getty Images

CONAN O’BRIEN

“The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again.”


“Last week was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it’s a drunk Secret Service agent.”


“In Tennessee, a man sued Pizza Hut after he allegedly broke a denture biting into an excessively hard crouton. Which begs the question, who goes to Pizza Hut and orders the salad?”


“For the first time, a vegan gluten-free bakery has opened at Disney World. The place is called ‘It’s a Sad World After All.’”


JIMMY FALLON

“After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, ‘Hi, I’m here about Craigslist ad for nukes.’”


“Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton’s friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she’s nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.”


“According to a survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, ‘OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?’”


“A massive power outage in Washington, D.C., today affected a number of federal buildings, including the White House. When asked when they could restore power to the White House, officials said, ‘2016?’”


“A new survey found that a growing number of millennials want to work from home and get more time off. They would have said more, but they had to pick up their gold star for participating in that survey.”


SETH MEYERS

“According to The New York Times, Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. While Hillary Clinton identified herself as ‘President.’”


“A leaked memo from Apple suggests they no longer want long customer lines outside of their stores for new product releases. And they figured out how to solve that problem: they’re going to release a $5,000 watch.”

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