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Laugh Attacks: 04.18.15

CONAN O’BRIEN
CONAN O’BRIEN Getty Images

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. She’s going to join the all-female cast of ‘Ghost Busters.’”


“Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win.”


“In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.”


“The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.”


“McDonald’s has announced plans to unveil even larger hamburgers. They also announced plans to widen their doors and reinforce the floors.”


“The NFL has hired its first full-time female referee. It should work out great because if there are two things that NFL players respect, they are authority and women.”


SETH MEYERS

“A poll in Cuba shows that President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. Then again, so is putting your whole family on a raft in the middle of the night.”

“A man has been arrested in Chicago after a failed attempt to join ISIS. Man, how do you blow it with ISIS? ‘Derth to America! I mean, death! Can I try it again?’”


“Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called ‘Pasta and Politics.’ It went so well that he’s agreed to go on ‘Meet the Garlic Press.’”


JIMMY FALLON

“The president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, ‘Hillary’s going to do great.’”


“When he was asked about Hillary’s candidacy, Obama said, ‘If she’s her wonderful self, I’m sure she’ll do great.’ He added, ‘If she’s her other self, watch out.’”


“John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.”

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