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Laugh Attacks: 04.25.15

DAVID LETTERMAN
DAVID LETTERMAN AP

JIMMY FALLON

“There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea’s highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain.”


“BMW’s new Deluxe 7 Series will allow drivers to simply press a button on their key fob to make the car park itself. And because it’s an expensive BMW it’ll park itself across two spaces.”


“Ben & Jerry’s is working with a beer company to develop a ‘salted caramel brownie brown ale’ that will be sold later this summer. It’ll mark the first time you’ll actually feel great after finishing a second pint of Ben & Jerry’s.”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“The Eagles signed Tim Tebow and the general manager was immediately checked for a concussion.”


“Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She’s spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it’s to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.”


“Hillary’s trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.”


“Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying — because wanting her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she’s there listening.”


“The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, ‘If this van’s rockin’, I’m deleting emails.’”


SETH MEYERS

“An intruder was arrested at the White House last night after trying to jump the fence. Authorities aren’t releasing the fence jumper’s identity, but they did say that she tore her pantsuit.”


“The CDC is advising that Ebola survivors should abstain from sex. And if you’re having trouble abstaining from sex, a little trick you could use is telling people you had Ebola.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that’s not fair.”

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