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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Kimmel
Kimmel AP

JIMMY KIMMEL

“There were more than 200,000 protesters in New York, more than 300,000 in Chicago and 600,000 here in L.A. One thing you can say, Donald Trump got more women to exercise than Michelle Obama ever did.”

“(At Davos) Trump plans to tell the world that America is open for business. And who better to make that declaration than a man who declared bankruptcy six different times?”

“The president right now is reportedly on the outs with his chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. According to Vanity Fair, he is looking to replace Kelly. He told a friend Kelly is, quote, ‘another nut job who thinks he’s running things.’ And the White House doesn’t have room for two nut jobs who think they’re running things.”

“They call General Kelly ‘the church lady’ because he runs a very tight ship. He’s been trying to bring order to the White House. And the only kind of order Trump wants to bring to the White House is the one from K.F.C. he gets every day.”

SETH MEYERS

“The Senate reached a deal to reopen the government. Though it’s a little like when there’s a power outage and then the lights come back on and you see how crappy your apartment is. ‘Yay! Oh, right.’ 

“Press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said yesterday that the White House wants to see the Russia investigation ‘come to a complete and full conclusion.’ ‘Uh, no you don’t…’ replied Robert Mueller.”

“According to NBC News, special counsel Robert Mueller’s team is expected to interview former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon by the end of the month. They’d do it sooner but they need to get their vaccines first.”

JIMMY FALLON

“Today a White House adviser compared President Trump to Houdini because, quote, ‘If you keep him in a cage, he’s going to get out.’ When asked how he knows that, he said, ‘Because we put him in a cage. And he got out.’ 

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