President Trump’s State of the Union address was available to stream live. So, congrats to Logan Paul on no longer being worst thing on YouTube!
“President Trump gave his first State of the Union address last night. And I have to say, he did all white.”
“It was reported this week that the Department of Education will launch a pilot program that puts students’ federal aid money onto debit cards, so officials can monitor how students spend excess money from loans. Though, if you really want to know how they spend it, just go to a dorm and inhale.”
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“President Trump's approval rating is above 50 percent in just a handful of states. Those states include Georgia, Mississippi, and Denial.”
“In other White House news, a recent article revealed that Melania Trump was blindsided by the story about her husband having an affair with a porn star and that she is ‘furious.’ In fact, she was so upset, Melania chose to stay home instead of accompanying her husband to the World Economic Forum last week. Which had to be tough, because I think we all know how much Melania loves world economic forums.”
“Big news in baseball. After numerous complaints from Native Americans, the Cleveland Indians have decided they’re going to get rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo in 2019. They said, ‘We realize our mascot is really offensive and racially insensitive, so we’re going to wait a year and then get rid of it.’ ”
“Apple is growing its fleet of self-driving cars. You can tell the self-driving cars are made by Apple because when you hit a pebble it shatters the entire windshield.”
“Most of Trump's address was written by his adviser, Stephen Miller. While the rest of Trump's presidency was written by Stephen King.”
“It was a very historic State of the Union. Because it marked the first time since taking office that Trump went a full hour without tweeting.”