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Laugh Attacks: 05.02.15

CONAN O’BRIEN
CONAN O’BRIEN Getty Images

JIMMY FALLON

“Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary.”


“Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.”


“According to a survey from the Physical Activity Council, Americans are the least active they’ve been since 2007. To which Netflix said, ‘You’re welcome.’”


“It’s being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You’d think Google wouldn’t really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, ‘We have your search history. Do what we tell you.’”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, Wednesday’s game between the Orioles and the White Sox was played to an empty stadium. When asked for comments, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, ‘You get used to it.’”


“A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.”


“The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week’s interview, Jenner said he’s a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he’s also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it.”


“Bruce Jenner will be getting his own reality show. Unfortunately, as a woman Jenner will be making only 70 percent of what he made on his last reality show.”


“A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they’re so happy, Swiss people couldn’t answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.”


SETH MEYERS

“Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton last week temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president.”

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