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Laugh Attacks:Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Conan O’Brien

“Marvel announced that there will be a ‘Black Panther’ sequel. Marvel’s C.E.O. said, ‘It was a difficult decision, but ultimately we decided to make another billion dollars.’ 

 

“Fox News is about to debut its new tagline. Instead of ‘fair and balanced,’ they’re going with ‘thanks for watching, Mr. President.’ 

 

“Under President Trump, abstinence-only education is making a comeback. Yeah, or as Trump told teenagers, ‘Do as I say, not as I paid someone $130,000 to shut up about my doing.’ 

Stephen Colbert

“Last night, Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee announced they were ending their investigation into Russian election meddling, and concluded that ‘Russian President Vladimir Putin was not trying to help Donald Trump win the 2016 election.’ Yes, after a yearlong investigation they have examined all the evidence, and they have concluded that they do not want to be sprayed with a nerve agent.”

 

“Trump’s lawyers are considering a challenge to stop ‘60 Minutes’ from airing (the Stormy Daniels interview). Why would Donald Trump be scared of a show whose logo is a ticking clock, slowly counting down the seconds until the time is up?”

 

“Stormy wants out of her nondisclosure agreement so badly that she’s offered to return the $130,000 payment to end the deal for her silence. And he might take it — because Trump’s going to need the cash for his divorce lawyer.”

Jimmy Fallon

“In the past few weeks, Gary Cohn, Hope Hicks and now Rex Tillerson have all left the White House. Most people have said they’re shocked, while Betsy DeVos was like, ‘Wait, how the hell am I still here?’ 

 

“Researchers just unveiled a robot that can play Scrabble. It’s pretty realistic. It even gets bored halfway through and stops playing.”

 

“Trump was in Moon Township, Pennsylvania. When he got to Moon Township, he was like, ‘Wow, this place looks exactly like Earth.’ 

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