“What? Working with President Trump is frustrating? That’s not what the last 30 people who quit said!”
“Fare thee well, Paul Ryan, we’ll all miss your famous catch phrase: ‘No, I hadn’t heard what the president said, but if true, that is troubling.’”
“Here's our full coverage (of Mark Zuckerberg testimony): Nerds are awkward, old people don’t know how the internet works.”
“The F.B.I. raided Cohen’s office, ‘seizing records related to several topics, including payments to a pornographic film actress.’ They got everything: They got all of his information about porn in a folder marked ‘finances,’ and all of his information about finances in a folder marked ‘porn.’”
"The FBI raided Michael Cohen's office to gather information on all of the women the President had affairs with. The raid is currently entering its 27th hour."
“Of course, out of habit Cohen offered the agents $130,000 just to keep the whole thing quiet.”
"Experts say the majority of Facebook users had their data harvested from taking online quizzes. So, it’s worse than we thought - now, Russia also knows how stupid we are."
“Paul Ryan is retiring. He said that after 20 years in Congress, it’s time to let someone else get nothing done.”
"The FBI raided the office of Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen. You know it's bad when you call your lawyer and your lawyer's like, 'You've got to speak to my lawyer.'"
"The raid happened after the FBI got a search warrant. Trump was surprised to learn that you need permission before you can just start grabbing stuff."
“Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg sat on a four-inch cushion to boost his height during his Senate testimony yesterday. Said Zuckerberg, ‘Oh no, that’s my wallet.’”
"Homeland Security adviser Tom Bossert resigned. Trump's going to run out of people who will want to work in the White House and he's going to have to hire Hillary Clinton himself."