James Corden

“Facebook isn’t for finding dates. It’s for finding people we used to date. Then we silently judge them and feel better about ourselves."

Jimmy Fallon

“It’s pretty crazy; the Stormy Daniels money could be traced all the way back to Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin said, ‘Donald can spend allowance however he wants.’”

“I read that President Trump is getting annoyed with Rudy Giuliani’s TV appearances because he keeps going off topic. Trump’s staffers were like, ‘Yeah, it must be really awful having to deal with that.’” “A woman in Colorado was cited for property damage after she used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a urine sample, and it exploded. The 7-Eleven owner was like, ‘Lady, if you wanted hot urine, you could have just poured yourself a coffee.’”

Today, teachers can get buy one, get one free burritos at Chipotle. Or as students put it, "Looks like we're going to have a substitute tomorrow.

Uber says it hopes to have flying cars in operation by 2020. It's all part of their plan to help drunk people throw up faster.

Seth Meyers

“Einstein Brothers bagel shop is now serving mac-and-cheese bagels. So if you love bagels, and you love mac and cheese, I hope you have a great personality.”

“He’s a former mayor and U.S. attorney who’s now the lawyer for the president of the United States, and Trump talks about him like he’s a trainee at Chipotle. ‘Excuse me, my burrito fell apart.’ ‘I’m sorry, he just started yesterday. He’s a great guy. Rudy, you gotta tuck the tortilla! I’m sorry, he’ll learn. He’s a great guy.’”

“Trump’s going to be the first client who pleads insanity on behalf of his lawyer.”

Conan O'Brien

“Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is funding a major effort to find extraterrestrial life. Zuckerberg said, ‘I truly believe that somewhere out there is intelligent life — whose personal data I can sell.’”

“President Trump is urging West Virginians to vote against a Republican Senate candidate who’s a convicted felon. Trump said, ‘I don’t want him in the Senate — I need him to be my next lawyer.’”

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