"Don Jr. admits he can’t remember if he discussed the Russia investigation with his dad. Meanwhile, his dad admits he can’t remember which one is Eric and which one is Don Jr.
"A lot of people think the U.S. might be starting a trade war with China. But last weekend Trump tweeted, 'Be cool, it’ll all work out.' In a related story, the president may have just discovered weed."
"How is (Melania) the one with the health issue? I mean, Trump's blood type is KFC-positive."
“A Picasso painting that was supposed to sell for $70 million at an auction here in New York City this weekend was accidentally damaged last Friday. Apparently the damage is so extensive, now the eyes, ears and mouth are all in exactly the right place.”
“The Gap has issued an apology after printing an incorrect map of China on T-shirts. Luckily, the mistake was caught by every single person who makes T-shirts for the Gap.”
“Trump’s cabinet has had one corruption scandal after another and his personal fixer was literally selling access to the president. Trump didn’t drain the swamp, he bottled it and sold it as Dr. Trump’s Miracle Healing Elixir.”
“(Monday) was Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. I don’t really care, I just wanted to give away some of his personal information.”
"A new poll has found that a majority of Americans say that driverless cars will have a big impact on the elderly. Specifically, if they don’t cross the street fast enough."
(On a women in China whose pet puppy turned out to be a fox) "You think that’s incredible, in this country there’s a Fox that gets mistaken for a legitimate news network."
"The highest court in the land has struck down a federal law that banned sports gambling. This is all part of Trump’s new economic initiative, 'a failed casino for every state.' "