"During a speech at Yale, Hillary Clinton mocked President Trump by putting on a traditional Russian hat, and then Trump mocked Clinton by being the president.
"President Trump accused former President Obama and the F.B.I. of placing a mole inside his 2016 campaign, when they knew full well that campaign was supposed to be weasels-only."
"Former President Obama announced a multi-year deal with Netflix to produce films and TV shows with former first lady Michelle Obama. OK, Michelle, which is it — do you want us to exercise or not?"
"Trump canceled the meeting with North Korea over their, quote, ‘tremendous anger and open hostility’ — which is ironic, considering ‘Tremendous Anger and Open Hostility’ is Trump’s 2020 campaign slogan."
“Now we also have to figure out what to do with these Korean summit commemorative coins. Maybe they can become the official currency of the apocalypse?”
"You know, we have passed certain milestones on Trump’s highway to American greatness. Sometimes you just have to pull the car over, get a breath of fresh air, maybe puke in the grass. Today is one such day, because the president of the United States has ordered the people investigating him to investigate their investigation of him."
"Now, some people are calling this a constitutional crisis, but I don’t know about that. A constitutional crisis technically requires that one branch of the government push back against another branch of government. Everybody here is pushing in the same direction, and it’s down — with a pillow over the Constitution’s face, going, ‘Shhh, shhh, it’ll be over soon!’ It’s gotten so bad, the opening words have gone from ‘We the people’ to ‘Help, I forgot the safe word!’ "
"The Trump administration is trying to stop leaks by allowing fewer people into White House meetings. The president loved the idea until he found out that he’s one of the people no longer allowed in the meetings."