"President Trump said that NFL players who kneel for the anthem 'shouldn’t be playing.' 'Um, actually no one should be,' said doctors."
"The NFL announced a new policy requiring players who are on the field to stand during the national anthem. President Trump said, 'You have to stand proudly for the national anthem. Or you shouldn't be playing. You shouldn't be there. Maybe you shouldn't be in the country.' Is he suggesting that people should be kicked out of the country because they're voicing their opinions? This all started with players protesting police brutality and now, two years later, Trump is suggesting maybe they shouldn't live in the country. He's basically gone from kicking brown people out of the country to kicking out the Cleveland Browns."
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"Meanwhile, Trump is OK with the rest of us using the national anthem to go use the bathroom without waiting in a 40-minute line."
In his letter (to North Korea, canceling the summit), Trump bragged about America's nuclear arsenal but ended the letter by writing, 'If you change your mind, please do not hesitate to call me or write.' Which feels like a bit of a mixed message. Trump's like, 'I can wipe your country out with a level of nuclear force you can't even comprehend... but I'm here for you if you need to talk.' "
"A new article revealed that members of the U.S. Air Force in Wyoming took LSD and had acid trips while they were assigned to guard nuclear missiles. Is it me or does it feel like Donald Trump definitely picked the wrong day to brag about America's nuclear capabilities?"
"It's nice to know that if Donald Trump ever does try to start a war, the guys responsible for the missiles won't be able to push the buttons because they'll be too busy swatting away purple dragons."
"Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries."
"A new report says that the U.S. military is running out of bombs. As of now, the Pentagon is down to 100 bunker busters and six copies of 'The Emoji Movie.' "