"In the United Kingdom, a baby’s first word was 'Alexa.' The baby's next words were 'Get me new parents.'"
"First lady Melania Trump appeared at her first White House event in a month. Or as Melania put it, 'They found me.'"
"Kim Jong Un said he wants to open a McDonald’s in North Korea. Which may explain why the summit with President Trump is suddenly back on."
"The Supreme Court ruled that a baker in Colorado can refuse to make a wedding cake for a same-sex couple on religious grounds. Ladies and gentlemen, in my opinion, if there’s anything America is not going to stand for, it’s less cake."
"The latest rumor in Washington is that President Trump could decide to pardon himself. This would be completely constitutional, according to Trump’s new Supreme Court Justice, Donald Trump."
"First lady Melania Trump attended a reception today, marking her first public appearance in three weeks. This ended much speculation about her whereabouts. Turns out, Melania was in the White House with her husband, Donald Trump, the whole time. So, it’s worse than we all thought."
"You can now add ‘God Bless America’ to the list of things where Trump doesn’t know the words — right next to United States Constitution and wedding vows."
"Can we just acknowledge how weird it is that under Trump no one wants to visit the White House anymore? The Golden State Warriors wouldn’t go last year, the Eagles won’t go this year. In fact, the Cleveland Browns released a statement saying the only reason they’ve never won the Super Bowl is because they don’t want to meet Trump. Yeah, apparently they’re not losing, they’re #resisting."
“The administration has prepared the pardoning paperwork for at least 30 people. [Trump voice] ‘O.K., let’s see, who do we got here? Iron Mike Tyson, Charlie Sheen, the hot mug-shot convict, the Noid, Hannibal Lecter, Fred Flintstone and Osama bin Laden. Take that, Obama — now you murdered an innocent man.’”