"Trump liked Kim so much, he’s said he’s going to let him decide the next presidential election."
"Uber is developing a technology that would allow its app to determine if users are drunk. It’s true, the new technology evaluates walking speed, whether the phone is swaying, and if you’ve made any typos. Now, look, let’s take the mystery out of this, Uber: It’s 2 a.m., I’m standing outside a bar, and I typed in my destination as Taco Bell. Yeah, I’m drunk."
"When asked by reporters how he knew if North Korean leader Kim Jong-un is serious about the peace treaty, President Trump said he used his ‘touch’ and ‘feel.’ This may not be a great plan — the last time Trump used his touch-and-feel method, he had to pay Stormy Daniels $130,000."
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"The Broadway show 'Harry Potter and the Cursed Child' won best play at last night's Tony Awards — while the worst play was still that one by J.R. Smith."
"According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own toilet to Singapore for his summit with President Trump to prevent intelligence agencies from using the sewer to get information on his health. Intelligence agencies were like, 'We're just going to go ahead and guess "bad," then?' "
Facebook has announced a new page called 'Memories' that will show users photos from the past. It's better than the original title for the page, 'When You Were Thinner.'"
"President Trump met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, a scenario that just a few years ago would have been unthinkable — because it includes the phrase ‘President Trump.'"
"We’ve all got to admit that we were wrong. We said the man couldn’t do it, we said his temper would blow up the summit — but yesterday he proved everyone wrong and turned the nuclear summit in Singapore into a huge win for himself. So let’s swallow our pride and give it up for a leader who’s much smarter than we thought: Kim Jong-un, everybody!"
"President Trump said Kim Jong-un is ‘absolutely’ invited to the White House. Unless, of course, Kim Jong-un wins the Super Bowl or the N.B.A. championship."