Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks: 06.06.15

JIMMY FALLON
JIMMY FALLON AP

SETH MEYERS

“Senator Lindsey Graham announced that he’s running for president because, you know, you want 50 people to run for president.”


“If elected, Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected president in 130 years. And he’d also be the first candidate to choose his running mate in an elaborate rose ceremony.”


“Senator Ted Cruz said he thinks John F. Kennedy would be a Republican if he were alive today. Well, of course he would be Republican. He’d be 98 years old.”


“In the world of soccer, after the arrest of numerous other officials, FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced his resignation this afternoon. Sepp Blatter doesn’t sound like the name of a guy who’s stepping down. It sounds like the reason.”


JIMMY FALLON

“The 79-year-old FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, will resign less than a week after the organization was rocked by a corruption scandal. But if you only learned one thing from all this, it’s that you can never trust a 79-year-old Blatter.”


“Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands.”


“For the second year in a row, the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a tie with two winners. Or as each of their parents put it to their kids, ‘I told you that you shouldn’t have gone outside to play that one time.’”


“During a speech in Iowa last weekend, Bernie Sanders criticized the billionaire class and said they ‘can’t have it all.’ Billionaires would’ve responded but they were busy this weekend literally having it all.”

“According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he’s running for president is like soccer’s World Cup — it happens every four years and no one in America cares.”


“Hillary Clinton announced that she will officially kick off her presidential campaign on June 13 in New York City. The good news is it’s free to get in. Which sounds great until you find out it’s $100,000 to get out.”

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