Laugh Attacks: 06.13.15



“Former governor of Rhode Island Lincoln Chafee is challenging Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. During his announcement, he said, ‘I realize I’m not that well known, don’t have a ton of support, I’m limited on funds, and . . . why am I doing this again?’”

“During his announcement, Chafee said it would help our economy if we embraced the metric system. Finally answering the question: What is the world’s worst campaign slogan?”

“Hillary Clinton is headed to L.A. this month to attend a fundraiser hosted by ‘Spider-Man’ star Tobey Maguire. Hillary is a big fan of Spider-Man because he proves that Americans still love sequels.”

“According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.”

“On the Republican side, today former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he is running for president. While growing up he wanted to be a veterinarian, but his grades weren’t good enough. Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people.”

“In honor of its 40th anniversary, the movie ‘Jaws’ is heading back to theaters later this month. Steven Spielberg was apparently sitting on his yacht recently and thought to himself, ‘I’m gonna need a bigger boat.’”


“Former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee announced his run for president yesterday. And he said he wants the U.S. to switch to the metric system. OK, you know what? I will start — Lincoln Chafee won’t get within a kilometer of the White House.”

“Millions of noisy and rare cicadas have emerged from the ground in central Kansas after spending 17 years underground. Said one cicada, ‘Bush versus Clinton, oh crap, you guys, we haven’t slept at all. We came out too early.’”

“A Maryland couple is suing their Realtor. They say the agent knew the home was infested with snakes, but sold it to them anyway. In fairness, what the Realtor said was the place definitely didn’t have any mice.”

“IKEA pledged over $1 billion to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it’s probably going to take forever to put the money together.”

“Triple Crown winner American Pharaoh has signed a deal with Monster, the energy drink, worth over $7 million. How did he sign the deal?”