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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Fallon
Fallon AP

JIMMY FALLON

“We’re in the middle of a heat wave and temperatures are supposed to be in the 90s for the next several days. In fact Donald Trump was so mad about the weather, he actually gave away Al Roker’s personal phone number.”

“Over the weekend in Iran, temperatures reached 165 degrees, one of the highest temperatures ever recorded on earth. In fact, it was so hot in Iran, American flags burst into flames on their own.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn’t that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.”

“There’s a rumor out there that the CEO of Starbucks might run for president. In fact, he opened up his first campaign headquarters and another one right across the street.”

“Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.”

SETH MEYERS

“You hear less about Hillary Clinton, she’s not giving a lot of interviews because I think she’s looking at everyone else who’s running for president, and she’s thinking, ‘If I keep my mouth shut, I think I’ve got this thing.’”

“Hillary Clinton revealed today she thinks her biggest weakness is her impatience. Said the interviewer, ‘Mrs. Clinton, I haven’t asked you anything yet.’”

“Hillary also said today that her greatest strength is her passionate commitment to helping people. For instance, there was that time in 2008 when she helped a young black man from Chicago become president.”

“Donald Trump is still leading the Republican polls. Of course, it’s only a matter of time before Trump slips up and says something completely sane.”

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