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Laugh AttacksHumorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Fallon
Fallon AP

JIMMY FALLON

“There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term — because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly.”

“According to a new report, the word that Donald Trump said most often in last week’s debate was ‘I’m.’ The word he says the least: ‘Sorry.’”

“A PAC supporting Hillary Clinton just received an anonymous donation of $1 million . . . What’s really interesting is that this million-dollar donation from an anonymous donor came just two weeks after Hillary spoke out against, quote, ‘the endless flow of secret, unaccountable money’ into campaigns. Then she said, ‘Starting now! Unaccountable money is awful. Cash it quick!’”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Last weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a Fitbit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name.”

“Despite all of his sexist comments, 20 percent of Republican women still support Donald Trump. When asked why, the women said, ‘Because he's paying us alimony.’”

“If you didn’t notice National Middle Child Day, you celebrated it correctly, by the way.”

SETH MEYERS

“Donald Trump gave a speech yesterday where he accused Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton of being under the control of lobbyists, special interests, and deep-pocketed donors. Trump says we should vote for him because he’s not under control at all.”

“Donald Trump’s new policy paper would not give automatic citizenship to children born in America if they have foreign parents. Said Trump, ‘It’s nothing personal, Sasha and Malia.’”

“Donald Trump has made up with Fox News over his controversial comments toward Megyn Kelly. If there’s anything Trump and Fox are great at, it’s making things up.”

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