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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Colbert
Colbert Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP

STEPHEN COLBERT

“Donald Trump is slumping in the polls. Don't leave me, Donald. Don't you understand, if you go away, I'm going to have to talk about those other boring people. I'm going to have to learn their names.”

“CNN will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality. With the help of a virtual reality headset, users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. It'll feel like you're seeing Hillary Clinton right in front of you, but she's not actually there — just like the real Hillary Clinton!”

“Despite our trade wars, tension in the South China Sea, and Chinese hacking attacks, President Obama gave President Xi Jinping a full South Lawn welcome, where the Chinese president greeted every White House staffer by name and bank account.”

“The president of China announced an agreement limiting greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of ‘infinite.’ 

SETH MEYERS

“Jeb Bush said last week that Democrats often win the black vote because they tell people “we’ll take care of you with free stuff.” Whereas Democrats actually win the black vote because Republicans keep saying stuff like that.”

“Kim Davis said that her meeting with Pope Francis last week ‘kind of validates everything.’ Well, except for a lot of marriage licenses.”

“The CDC is accusing Big Tobacco of using different flavors of e-cigarettes to try and lure in young people. They’re especially concerned about the newest flavor, Cheerios in a Ziploc Bag.”

“Vladimir Putin addressed the U.N. General Assembly. Unfortunately he addressed them as ‘My future Russians.’ 

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