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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Fallon
Fallon AP

SETH MEYERS

“Former President Bill Clinton said yesterday that Donald Trump’s campaign has a certain ‘macho appeal.’ And then Trump said, ‘Whoever this Macho is, I want him deported.’ 

“The Vatican has announced that Pope Francis will visit Mexico next year. Now that he’s met all the Catholics in America, he wants to see where they’re from.”

“Dr. Ben Carson hosted a Facebook Q&A, and said the loss of gun rights is more devastating than seeing people die from gun violence. So if Ben Carson is your doctor, definitely get a second opinion.”

“A new study found that cats that are shown affection by humans are healthier than those who aren’t. While humans who are shown affection by cats don’t exist.”

JIMMY FALLON

“Hillary Clinton’s 68th birthday is coming up this month, and to celebrate, Hillary is planning to hold a big fundraiser here in New York City. You gotta give it to Hillary — she’s the only grandmother who hears about a birthday and expects the checks to come to HER.”

“Last week, the firefighters’ union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign’s in trouble when firefighters are like, ‘Even WE can’t put out that many fires.’ 

“A lot of people think that when the Republican field clears it will come down to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump. Kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.”

“Republicans say the economy is bad. So bad, in New York over on Park Avenue, I saw a woman with real breasts and a fake Gucci bag.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“It’s being reported that Donald Trump is mentioned on social media seven times more often than any other Republican candidate. And that’s just by Donald Trump.”

“U.S. officials have been wondering why ISIS seems to have so many Toyotas. One clue seems to be ISIS’s credo, ‘Fanatical about Islam, sensible about gas mileage.’ 

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