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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Fallon
Fallon AP

SETH MEYERS

“A company has come out with a new waffle maker that cooks batter in the shape of the Death Star from Star Wars. And if you want one, make sure to yell it loud enough for your mom to hear you upstairs.”

 ‘Star Wars’ creator George Lucas has gotten approval to build a 300,000-square-foot museum in Chicago. And if you think that sounds exciting, just wait until you’ve tried sex.”

 ‘Crippled America’ outlines Donald Trump’s plan to make America great again. Though the book doesn’t say specifically WHEN he’s leaving.”

“Apple is reportedly working on a new protection system that will reduce the number of iPhones with cracked screens. The system is called Alcoholics Anonymous.’ 

CONAN O’BRIEN

“China announced it is going to start allowing couples to have more than one child. Which means nine months from now, Apple’s work force in China will double.”

“Analysts are saying that after the last debate’s dismal performance, Jeb Bush’s donors are in ‘full panic mode.’ Apparently, last night Jeb Bush called his two biggest donors and said, ‘Calm down, Mom and Dad.’ 

JIMMY FALLON

“Carly Fiorina said that people told her that she needed to smile more. They were like, ‘Just pretend you’re laying off a bunch of people.’ 

“Rand Paul said that he is running to create a government so small that you can barely see it. Paul said it would be modeled after his presidential campaign.”

“We’re in the middle of a November heat wave. Even people worried about climate change were like, ‘This is pretty nice actually.’ 

“The Kansas City Royals will get to meet President Obama. And since the Mets blew an early lead and lost, they’ll get to meet Jeb Bush.”

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