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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

O’Brien
O’Brien Getty Images

JIMMY FALLON

“In an interview with Charlie Rose, Hillary Clinton admitted that she has Wall Street connections, but said that she can't be bribed with campaign donations. Then Hillary said, ‘And especially they can't bribe me at Hillary for America, P.O. Box 526, New York, New York, don't even think of sending money there, this weekend.’ 

“The Associated Press just announced that they are no longer including Hillary Clinton's maiden name ‘Rodham’ in articles about her, nor will they call her ‘Mrs. Clinton’ anymore. While Republicans have announced that they will no longer call Hillary by the name ‘Lady Voldemort.’ 

“In a recent interview, Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that there are times when she disagrees with her father. But then there are MORE times when she likes the idea of inheriting a billion dollars.”

“Donald Trump said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN laughed it off, saying, ‘We don't have $5 million.’ 

“CNN was like, ‘Fine, we'll just let Jeb Bush talk for two hours — oh my God, where do we send the check?’ 

“Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Political analysts say that the Republican leaders are paralyzed over what to do about Donald Trump. Upon hearing that they were paralyzed, Donald Trump immediately started making fun of them.”

“Trump told his supporters, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.’ 

“Paul Ryan has become the first Speaker of the House in over 90 years to grow a beard. Meanwhile, Marco Rubio is the first presidential candidate to sport a chocolate milk mustache.”

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