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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Fallon
Fallon AP

JIMMY FALLON

“Hillary Clinton recently started following a bunch of new people and organizations on Instagram, including the home improvement channel, HGTV. When asked why, Hillary was like, ‘Oh, I'm getting a new house soon.’ 

“Christmas is right around the corner which means any day now, Donald Trump should be tweeting out an insult to Santa. ‘He's fat and old and he uses illegal laborers.’ 

“A new poll shows Donald Trump has 36 percent support among Republicans and Ted Cruz is in second place with 16 percent. Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is at 3. Not percent — people.”

“Hanukkah is a holiday that has eight nights. Unlike Christmas, which has three months starting in September.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Donald Trump said that all Muslims, even U.S. citizens and those serving in the armed forces, should be barred from entering the United States. Trump’s statement was so outrageous and so offensive, his poll numbers went up 20 points.”

“It’s come out that last year, a man was able to get past the Secret Service and speak with President Obama by pretending to be a congressman. The Secret Service realized he wasn’t a congressman because he was willing to be seen with President Obama.”

“IHOP has removed soda from their kids' menus. A spokesperson for IHOP said, ‘Children's health is our first priority,’ and then he laughed for four hours.”

SETH MEYERS

“Some parenting experts are suggesting that the holiday tradition of the Elf on the Shelf may actually be harmful to children. So instead just take them to the mall and let them sit on a weird old dude's lap.”

“Half of the country thinks Donald Trump's statements are insulting and offensive, while the other half of the country thinks his statements are ‘insultante y ofensiva.’ 

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