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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

O’Brien
O’Brien Getty Images

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Ben Carson said he is open to being Donald Trump’s vice president. Yeah, it makes sense, Carson could deliver Trump the black Republican vote — which consists of Ben Carson.”

“Lent is when most Catholics give something up. It seems like Catholics in the U.S. decided to give up Marco Rubio.”

“In New Hampshire, 64 percent of Republican voters want to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. The other 36 percent are familiar with the Constitution.”

A new report suggests that soon, gasoline will be cheaper than water. And in Flint, Michigan, it will be healthier than water.”

“A recent study found that bottlenose dolphins sometimes murder other dolphins. However, police say it’s easy to find the culprit because dolphins love to squeal.”

SETH MEYERS

“Clinton and Sanders faced off in a debate on PBS, or as PBS called it, ‘Antiques Roadshow.’ 

“Following his victory in New Hampshire, Bernie Sanders has become the first Jewish candidate in U.S. history to win a primary. Afterwards, Bernie held a press conference where he answered questions with a question.”

“It's been reported that infamous drug lord El Chapo will stand trial in Brooklyn. Though I'm not sure it's a good idea to try him in a place that already has, like, five tunnels.”

“People magazine announced that actor Ryan Reynolds is the “Sexiest Dad Alive.” Coming in last: your dad.

JIMMY FALLON

“Donald Trump claimed the unemployment rate might actually be as high as 42 percent. He might be right, because Hillary just fired her entire campaign staff.”

“People say Jeb Bush may be finally hitting his stride; in fact one supporter said that Jeb is getting, quote, ‘very loose. And when he's loose, he's on fire.’ Jeb said he knows people want to see him get loose, because his crowds are always chanting, ‘Looser! Looser!’ 

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