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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

O’Brien
O’Brien Getty Images

JIMMY FALLON

“Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are both hoping to pick up Jeb Bush’s supporters. Then Jeb said, ‘Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters!’ 

“When asked about Donald Trump, Pope Francis said that people who build walls are not Christians. And Donald said, ‘Of course I'm a Christian. Do you know how many carpenters named Jesus I have working for me?’ 

“Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is getting the support of students at Hillary Clinton's alma mater, Wellesley College. Now Hillary Clinton is trying to get the support of Bernie's alma mater, Jurassic Park.”

“Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, ‘Must be nice.’ 

“IKEA is being accused of evading over $1 billion in taxes. Prosecutors have been after IKEA for years. They've just been having a hard time putting their case together.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“U.S. officials say that ISIS is facing a severe strain on its cash supply because of poor oversight, economic sanctions, and betting all their money on the Carolina Panthers.”

“Researchers say much of Florida could be underwater by the end of the century. On the bright side, they say it could happen much sooner.”

“Donald Trump said as president he would prosecute Hillary Clinton for using a private email server. He also said he would arrest Hillary Clinton for being a woman over 40.”

“Ben Carson said President Obama couldn’t identify with black Americans because he was ‘raised white.’ So if you’re keeping score, according to Republicans, President Obama was raised white as a Muslim in Kenya.”

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