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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Sunday night was the series finale of ‘Downton Abbey.’ But don’t worry, if you still want to hear a bunch of rich white people talking like it’s the 1920s, tune in to the next Republican debate.”

“ABC announced that the ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ will now feature a more diverse cast. They’re going to add a contestant who has read a book.”

“It’s being reported that the Democrats have a plan to ‘shatter the Republican Party.’ When he heard, Donald Trump said, ‘Beat you to it!’ 

“The all-you-can-eat chain Hometown Buffet has filed for bankruptcy. A spokesperson for the company said, ‘Good God — we didn’t realize just how much Americans can eat.’ 

JIMMY FALLON

“Mitt Romney said Donald Trump is playing the American public for a free ride to the White House and, quote, ‘All we get is a lousy hat.’ Not to mention a $30 picture of how scared we all look on the way down.”

“Romney said Trump’s promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. Then Trump said, ‘Or as worthless as a Romney 2012 poster.’ 

“Hillary Clinton’s name came up a lot during the (Republican) debates. Ted Cruz even asked Trump why he wrote four checks to Hillary in 2008. Trump said, ‘Look, with all the women I have to write checks to every month, it’s easy to get carried away.’ 

“Marco Rubio called out Donald Trump for his clothing collection that is being made in China. But Trump defended his Chinese workers, saying ‘I treat those kids like they’re my own.’ 

STEPHEN COLBERT

“During a rally in Michigan, Sen. Sanders dropped a bombshell about burning down. He only smoked twice. I don’t think this admission is on brand for Bernie.”

“Senator, do you know who your supporters are? I will tell you this much, they’ve smoked marijuana twice . . . since I started this sentence.”

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