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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Meyers
Meyers AP

CONAN O’BRIEN

“President Obama arrived in Cuba, a formerly hostile territory. Then, he returned to Washington, a currently hostile territory.”

“Cuban President Raul Castro asked President Obama to return ownership of Guantanamo Bay to Cuba. They want it back. Obama agreed, but only if Cuba takes Florida.”

“The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, ‘What's a New York Times?’ 

“Apple announced it’s releasing a new smaller iPhone. The iPhone is described as so small, it can fit in the palm of the hand of the child who made it.”

JIMMY FALLON

“Trump Tower in Chicago was struck by lightning during the Illinois primary, which Donald Trump went on to win. Nobody was hurt, but God was like, ‘Crap, I missed.’ 

“Speaking of Trump, he recently said that if he becomes president he'll force Apple to start making its products in the United States. It's great news for anyone who wants to pay $20,000 for an iPhone.”

SETH MEYERS

“This week is the 35th anniversary of the Post-It note. And this is crazy, they completely forgot about it.”

“A new study has found Donald Trump speaks with the poorest grammar of any presidential candidate. Said Trump, ‘It’s actually the poorliest.’ 

“DNC head Debbie Wasserman Schultz denied accusations that she is taking sides in the election season, and said, ‘There is no shred of evidence to suggest that I’m favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Socialist — I mean Bernie Sanders.’ 

“A doctor in the U.K. admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. The patient was pretty upset when she woke up.”

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