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Laugh AttacksHumorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Meyers
Meyers AP

JIMMY FALLON

“The State Department is having to hire more staffers to review all of the requests that are being filed for Hillary Clinton's emails. Or as Hillary put it, ‘See, I'm creating jobs already. I told you!’ 

“Three more states went to the polls, and a lot of places wound up having record turnout. I guess people really want to be able to tell their grandkids, ‘There used to be a country called America and I voted in its last election.’ 

“Donald Trump said that a lot of politicians who say they're against him in public are secretly supporting his campaign. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, ‘Guilty!’ 

“Sarah Palin just signed a deal to act as a judge on a new reality court TV show. Sarah said she just wants to get a little legal experience before Trump nominates her to the Supreme Court.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Donald Trump threatened to reveal a terrible secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz.”

“More than 47,000 people have signed a petition to allow guns at the Republican National Convention. And every single one of them is a Democrat.”

“Apple’s new iPhone will be significantly cheaper than the iPhone 6. You can read all about it in Apple’s press release titled, ‘Sorry if you just bought the iPhone 6.’ 

SETH MEYERS

“Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was ‘anointed’ by God to become president. To which God replied, ‘No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’ 

“A man set a new world record by eating 200 Peeps in 14 minutes. Unfortunately, the record was for ‘largest coffin.’ 

“The maker of M&Ms has announced it will start labeling its candies that contain genetically modified ingredients. The candies will be labeled ‘M’ for ‘Modified,’ or ‘M’ for ‘Made Naturally.’ 

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