Limerick writers: Apes invade Raleigh


One contestant in our limericks contest emailed to say that he worried that his entries last week had been “too antiseptic.” A limerick, he pointed out, has been defined as a dirty joke masquerading as poetry.

This is a family news outlet, so watch yourself. But sure, limericks with a hint of bawdiness often have an edge. At a minimum, we’re looking for ones that provoke a chuckle, rather than seriously make an ideological point.

Which is why this week’s winner is John Long of Stanley. He, like many participants, focused on the two hottest topics these days: North Carolina’s House Bill 2 (“the bathroom bill”) and the presidential election. Long wasn’t too worried about news that movie producers were striking North Carolina off their list after HB 2 passed.

Maybe Hollywood hates us, but golly,

That’s no reason to feel melancholy,

We can make our own flicks,

About state politics,

Like “The Planet of Apes Invade Raleigh”.

Long also thinks he knows why a group of women in bikinis attacked another woman in Columbia, S.C.

Those bikini-clad babes didn’t dally,

They struck like a gang in an alley,

But cut them some slack,

Just before the attack,

They had been to a Donald Trump rally.

John’s son, Wes Long of Cramerton, thought perhaps Gov. Pat McCrory’s teacher pay-raise proposal, which came out amid the HB 2 hulabaloo, has strings attached:

If you teach in the state of NC,

Letter A to the XY & Z,

You’ll be getting Pat’s praise

And a nice little raise,

If you leave out the LGBT.

Charlotte Haberyan of Charlotte, like John Long, noticed moviemakers’ cancelling a project in North Carolina after House Bill 2.

Directors and stars of the screen

Have cut out of NC’s hostile scene.

Our reps just don’t care

As they sing in their lair,

“Let’s potty like it’s 1916!”

Frank Koconis of Matthews, tongue in cheek, reaches for at least one upside of HB 2 as companies leave North Carolina:

HB2 is a win for NC!

What a boost for our economy!

Google, the NBA

And Fox may go away,

But the jobless will know where to pee.

Bill McGloughlin of Charlotte weighed in on the proposal to allow guns at the (contested?) Republican National Convention in Cleveland this summer:

Though it sticks in the NRA’s craw,

Secret Service has laid down the law.

Do you think it could be

That they don’t want to see

The convention end up in a draw?

Bob Aldrich of Lake Waccamaw reacted to a story about a Georgia man who lost his leg shooting a rifle at a lawnmower packed with explosives. Video of the backfire went viral.

A cracker, David Pressley by name,

Has achieved his five minutes of fame.

His explosion may show

Artistry like Van Gogh

But an ear and a leg aren’t the same.

Robert Gremmels of Waverly, Iowa, saw that Pope Francis indicated that some forms of contraception might be OK to avoid the Zika virus.

The pope has made headlines again

With words that deserve our amen.

He said, “Change your habits

And don’t breed like rabbits.”

(Yes, take your pill nightly at ten.)

We opened with the idea of bawdiness so we close with the bawdy. Remember Marco Rubio and Donald Trump sparring over the size of Trump’s, er, hands? R. Charles Hudson does, and submits a tardy but effective rhyme.

If “hand size” determined elections

Resulting from public inspections,

Then if one is “outmanned,”

You’d know where they stand,

Last place in “polls and projections.”

Next week we’ll publish the final installment of this year’s contest. Email your entries to tbatten@ before 9 a.m. Wednesday, April 13.