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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

O’Brien
O’Brien Getty Images

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his ‘country club’ lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend.”

“Donald Trump is now making fun of what he calls John Kasich's ‘disgusting’ table manners. As an example, Trump named Kasich's gross habit of having dinner with a wife who’s about his own age.”

“Last week, Donald Trump said, ‘If I lose, I don’t think you’ll ever see me again.’ So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind.”

“A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up.”

“In a new interview, Ted Cruz said, ‘I’ve changed a lot of diapers.’ After hearing this, Bernie Sanders made him his running mate.”

JIMMY FALLON

“Beyoncé released a surprise album called ‘Lemonade’ where she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. Or in other words — looks like Hillary's found her running mate!”

“Apparently four out of Donald Trump's five airplanes are more than 20 years old, which they say is rare for most billionaires. I guess Trump doesn’t know you’re supposed to change PLANES every few years, and keep your WIFE forever.”

SETH MEYERS

“Beyoncé released a surprise album, ‘Lemonade.’ Of course, when you're over 40 and white, every Beyoncé album is a surprise album.”

“Trump did an impression of Hillary Clinton accusing her of needing a teleprompter and speaking in a boring, robotic manner. And then Hillary did an impression of Donald Trump by crushing a poor person's dreams.”

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