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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Fallon
Fallon AP

JIMMY FALLON

“Bernie Sanders campaigned in California, and even checked out the famous carousel at the Santa Monica Pier. But it got a little awkward when the music stopped and Bernie still wouldn’t admit that the ride was over. ‘This is gonna be a contested carousel!’ 

“After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Donald Trump for president on Thursday. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, ‘Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.’ 

“It’s being reported the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington, D.C., after the president leaves office. I guess he wants to be close enough to drive by the White House every morning and shout, ‘Sucks, doesn’t it?’ 

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson said that he might run for President of the United States later on down the line. When they heard, the Republican Party asked him, ‘Can you start tomorrow?’ 

“Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using ‘bad judgment.’ Priebus said, ‘I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus.’ 

“Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, ‘Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive.’ 

SETH MEYERS

“Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that judge Gonzalo Curiel’s Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, ‘Oh, no, he’s an Indian, too?’ 

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