“The president has a lot going on as he wraps up his term in office, including the construction of his presidential library in Chicago. It will be a place devoted entirely to Obama and his achievements — or as that’s also known, MSNBC.”
“So much has happened during President Obama’s administration. Obamacare was passed. Same-sex marriage was legalized. He worked with 11 other countries to sign the historic Trans-Pacific Partnership. Whereas Donald Trump just walked around Epcot and insulted every country.”
“Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling.”
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“In the general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as money-grubbing and unethical. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton plans on painting Donald Trump as Donald Trump.”
“Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she would like to see the FBI investigation of her emails wrapped up. Hillary then said, ‘Or deleted, whatever is easiest.’ ”
“Donald Trump has called for a ban on all immigration to the United States. Of course, Trump said the ban would be lifted if he ever needs a new wife.”
“Two new government studies report that America’s obesity problem is getting worse. Both studies came with a Happy Meal.”
“Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president.”
“Hillary Clinton told supporters that her status as the Democratic nominee is thanks to the generations who struggled and sacrificed before her. ‘You’re welcome,’ said Bernie Sanders.