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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Fallon
Fallon AP

JIMMY FALLON

“According to a political science professor, all of Donald Trump’s speeches are given at a fifth-grade level or below. And today Trump said the professor who did the study was a doody head.”

“Bernie Sanders is still upset because he says his fundraising dinners didn’t raise as much money as Hillary Clinton’s. Well, of course they didn’t. Nobody wants to eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.”

“Congrats to Chelsea Clinton, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. After the birth, Bill brought flowers, while Hillary brought a focus group to help name the baby.”

“A naked restaurant is opening in Japan next month, but apparently they’re banning customers who are overweight, over 60-years-old, or have tattoos. They said the last thing they want at their naked restaurant is a bunch of weirdos.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“In Virginia recently, a computer crash wiped out a decade’s worth of U.S. military data. However, this morning, the Chinese government called and said, ‘No problem, we backed it up.’ 

“Yale University’s being pushed to modify a poetry course because students have complained that the content is too white. Students objected specifically to a poem called ‘Ode to a Lost Prius in the Whole Foods Parking Lot.’ 

“A new poll came out and it claims that 25 percent of voters remain undecided. Apparently, they’re undecided on whether to move to Canada or Mexico.”

“The FDA has approved a device for weight loss that sucks the food out of your stomach through an abdominal incision. Or, you could just try a salad some time.”

SETH MEYERS

“A company has created a line of non-alcoholic wines for cats containing catnip, water, and organic beet juice for owners who want to drink with their pets. Said the cats, ‘Yeah … I actually have a thing tonight.’ 

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