Laugh Attacks

Jay Leno

“Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur.”

“It looks like Hillary Clinton still has a shot at being vice president. Yeah, if John McCain picks her.”

“The latest political gossip … Hillary Clinton is not particularly high on Barack Obama's vice presidential list. In fact, she's somewhere between the Rev. Wright and Jesse Jackson.”

“Earlier this week, John McCain had a mole moved from his temple. To which President Bush said, ‘Temple? I didn't know he was Jewish!'”

“Well, yesterday Congress officially apologized for slavery. Not a moment too soon, huh? You hate to see these things fester until there's a lot of animosity. Thank God they nipped it in the bud like that.”

“Beijing skies are so polluted that Chinese authorities are planning emergency Olympic measures. Protesters will be run over with hybrid tanks.”

Conan O'Brien

“In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama said he's distantly related to the famous 19th-century gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok. After hearing this, John McCain said, ‘Big deal, I went to high school with him.'”

“Time magazine says that many top Republicans are worried that lately, John McCain has been taking too negative a tone. When he heard this, McCain said, ‘Shut your piehole.' Good for him.”

“Barack Obama made a big announcement … he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush said ‘I can't believe he's taking another trip to a foreign country.'”

David Letterman

“You think I'm exaggerating, but they had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck.”

“There's excitement in the air over the Olympics … also lead, arsenic, benzene.”