“Even if John McCain doesn't win the ‘election' in ‘America,' he'll still be president of real America, the America that matters, the one that Sarah Palin will still take questions from. So, if small towns are real America, that would make big cities, like Washington, DC, and New York City, the capitals of fake America, like the epicenter of fake America. The, oh, what's the word I'm looking for? The ground zero, if you will, of anti-America. I bet bin Laden feels like a real ?*%#@@ now. ‘What? I bombed the wrong America? That's it. I'm going into hiding. I'm too embarrassed!'”
“At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling themselves ‘Blacks Against Obama.' Actually, a pretty small group. It's just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.”
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“ACORN has conducted a huge voter registration effort, and not all the registrations are valid. Now, I have a lot of problems with ACORN. First, they should have picked a more ominous name, instead of squirrel food. Something really scary. They are the biggest nut-based threat to America since Mr. Peanut tried to assassinate the GOP elephant to impress the Morton Salt girl.”
“The only reason Obama got this endorsement [from Colin Powell] is because Powell is black. Also, the only reason Admiral John Nathman, Brigadier-General James Smith, Four-star General Merrill McPeak and 20 other military leaders have endorsed Obama, is because Powell is black.”
“The only thing we actually do really know about this Joe the plumber is that he's opinionated, he's extremely conservative, and we're not so sure about the plumbing. Oh my God, he's Ann Coulter!”
“No, I'm not saying that McCain looks like he's finished, but today they introduced him as the next Viagra spokesman.”