Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

SETH MEYERS

“President Obama today appeared on the Zach Galifianakis online comedy show ‘Between 2 Ferns.’ The president was there to talk about HIS online comedy show — Obamacare.”


“A Duke University student who recently revealed that she’s doing porn told Piers Morgan that she came up with her stage name by combining the names of Belle from ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and Amanda Knox. Which might explain the title of her first film, ‘Be Our Guest… At This Italian Stabbing Murder.’ ”


“A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.”


“Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, ‘Is the Pope Catholic?’ they’re actually asking.”


“NASA’s Cassini spacecraft passed by Saturn’s largest moon for the 100th time last week. Said Mrs. Cassini, “Can we please just stop and ask for directions?’ ”


JIMMY FALLON

“President Obama has unveiled his budget for 2015. He’s referring to it as a road map for creating jobs. And young people said, ‘A what for creating what? Road map? Job? I’ve never had either of those things.’ ”


“Obama’s new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient – and to make grandparents better tippers.”

“An anchor for Russia’s state-owned news channel quit on live TV, saying that she doesn’t agree with the network’s support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN.”


“Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night ‘talkathon’ on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk — or as Al Gore calls that, ‘a first date.’ ”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“The White House announced a change to Obamacare. They keep making adjustments. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, ‘After two years, I don’t give a damn.’ ”


“Because of Russia’s actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn’t pull out of Kiev we’re not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China.”

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