Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

DAVID LETTERMAN

“Let’s talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it’s like? It’s like President Obama’s approval rating.”


“In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner.”


“President Obama met with the G-7 leaders. Can you name the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful.”

“When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps.”


SETH MEYERS

“March Madness has begun. And by March Madness I am, of course, referring to people wearing shorts when it’s 55 degrees.”


“Kobe Bryant told ESPN that he thinks President Obama could make the Lakers roster this year. I don’t know about that. He’s a good shooter but he can’t seem to pass anything.”


“Google announced that it will launch a new security feature to make it harder for situations like the NSA spying program to happen in the future. Then they went back to driving around and taking pictures of the street you live on.”


“On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to ‘see the future,’ and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn’t have run for president in 2012.”

“In an interview with ‘Meet the Press,’ former President Jimmy Carter said he won’t send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can’t find the “send” button on his typewriter.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“While in China, first lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship.”


“Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly invested millions of dollars into a computer that can speak and think as a person. The computer is known as ‘Mark Zuckerberg.’ ”


JIMMY FALLON

“President Obama was in the Netherlands with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn’t even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn’t want to visit any country he can’t keep.”


“This is the 50th anniversary of Disney’s ‘It’s a Small World’ ride. But they’re making some changes to it. They’re making the Russian section much, much larger.”

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